Featured Posts
She Says: Meet (More of) Heather
I know you can’t believe I can possibly have more to say about myself after my stellar “Meet Heather” page and blog tag response answers, but I do. I also know Mark has yet to formally introduce himself or respond to his blog tag, but I bet he’ll get to it. If there’s anything I’ve learned about Mark over the past 8 years it’s that it’s better for all involved if he does things in his own time. He can be pushed, prodded and poked into action, but then he is angry, resentful and no fun at all. The good thing though, is that he’s worth it, so the patience pays off.
On to me. I am writing because I have something share. Oh god this is getting so dramatic. Let’s cut to it, right? Okay here it is. I was a lawyer. Anticlimactic? I’ll back up. About a year ago, I walked into the head partner at my law firm’s office and declared that I was leaving the firm, the practice of law entirely, to become a teacher. ”Heather,” he said, “I’ve never seen you so happy.” He was right. The thought of being released from corporate litigator prison was something I’d dreamt of since I first walked in the door, and now, it was here and I was ecstatic! On my last day of work another partner warned me, “People are not going to treat you the same when you become a teacher.” Hmmm. Yeah, that’s sort of the point. Please note, I have nothing against lawyers as group. The lawyers I worked with were interesting and smart people. My sister, Stinky Cheese, is a wonderful hardworking lawyer. It just wasn’t for me.
Packing my office was easy because you see, I think ahead. When co-workers or my adorable secretary urged me to put a personal touch to my beige office walls I told them, “If I do that then I have to stay,” they thought I was joking. Obviously, I was not. So, on my way out, I gave my candy bowl to my secretary and my dying plant to my second favorite IT professional (Mark being my first) and headed out the door. Let the happiness begin. Or so I thought.
What happened in the months to follow was a little shocking to me. Everyone, including myself, thought that once I left law I would be happy again. The old Heather would be back. Spoiler Alert: It’s not that simple. What I felt was complete and utter failure. From my first day of Kindergarten to my last law school final I never missed a beat. I always did more than what was expected of me and made everyone around me proud. From the outside, I had the perfect life. I had a fancy job as corporate litigator, an apartment on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, a big fat pay check and a stud for a boyfriend (that’s Mark, readers). I couldn’t hack it. Instead, I gave it all up and moved back home with my parents. Obviously, this is not the life I so carefully planned and worked hard to obtain. In my mind I failed.
I’ve realized, only in the last few months, that my “failure” was, as I originally thought, actually a good idea. Yes, I have loans. Yes, I think I am far too old to be living with my parents. Yes, I miss Mark and my life with him. Nothing is right and everything is wrong, but that’s cool because I’m getting there. As a recovering perfectionist and dweller, I struggle with accepting where I am now as just the way it is supposed to be. Now, I am satisfied with contentment and do not constantly search for perfection. There are other advantages, too. I no longer walk around in a haze so distracted by my stress and sadness that I am unable to feel anything. I get to see my family more. I am living a much more authentic life.
I am not writing this because I think it’s time to play Skeletons in the Closet, but rather, because this falls in the “food blog” genre, and my experience altered my body and body image for about two years. To explain exactly how miserable I was when I was a lawyer would be futile. I can tell you that it was more than “Ughhhh, I hate my job. Is it Friday yet?” kind of stuff. In fact, I was so stressed and miserable that my body physically rejected my fancy lawyer life. During the summer that I took the bar exam and throughout the time that I was a lawyer, I lost a significant amount of weight for my already small frame. My new “waif body”, natural and effortless to some, was not my my own. I am short and small, but more like a mini-hour glass than a straw. I didn’t lose weight intentionally and at first, I didn’t even notice. Eventually, I bought new, smaller, clothes and accepted this weight loss as a perk of stress. I’ve had medical issues because of it. It was not a perk.
Well, when lawyering was over and I came back to Rhode Island I started to naturally regain some of the weight I lost. I started to look more like my old self and most of my lawyer clothes no longer fit. I would like to say that I was confident and strong enough that this didn’t bother me at all, but I wasn’t and it did. My old familiar body seemed to take up too much space when I really wanted to go unnoticed. I felt failure again. I couldn’t be a lawyer or skinny. Failure.
Fortunately, after a few months of self-criticizing and micro-analyzing, I chose to get over it. I say “fortunately” because I know I could have done horrible things to my body to maintain the weight I lost. I, like most women, still have body issues. I think my boobs are too big and my legs are a bit stumpy, but at least now I don’t think I am less of a person because of it. I appreciate that my legs are able to run miles at a time!
I am happy that I was able to get back to a place where I can truly enjoy the experience of eating. I think they call that “intuitive eating,” something that was completely natural to me for the first 25 years of my life, and now, is again. I love food and do not always eat just because I’m hungry (side note: obvy, I love me a food blog, but there was a period where I harbored irrational contempt for those who blog and eat only when hungry). Sometimes I eat something just because I like to and I accept that! Other blogs reinforced what I knew: if I make balanced decisions and stay active, my body will naturally be where it is meant to be.
My experience gave me a new awareness of the complex issue of women’s body image. We are extremely critical of ourselves; more critical than we would ever be on a friend, sister or child version of ourselves. Body image and self esteem, however, are related to popular culture and women’s relationships with each other, and so, often threatened or scared, we turn on each other. Wouldn’t it be great to support one another instead? I think this is a fascinating and complex part of our culture that can and should be changed for the better. I have no idea if anyone reads our little blog, but I hope to be able to use it to discuss these issues in the future.
So, here I am. Maybe one day I will use my law degree to do something beneficial in education, but for now I am looking forward to student teaching in a couple of weeks and graduating in December. I am glad I’ve explained all of this because now I can share the funny and brilliant things the children I work with say each day. For example, just the other day a little boy told me he didn’t want anymore snack because his belly would hurt if he hate too much and he wouldn’t be able to play outside. Good point. Children are quite smart, you know.
Thanks for this, and know that you aren’t alone!! I went through the same experience..I practiced law at a corporate defense firm and left to teach. I am getting my Ph.D. now and yes it sucks to be living in poverty again. But it is worth it. You are the only person I’ve ever seen really sum up how stressful being a lawyer can be…I actually developed high blood pressure due to my job!! Anyways, this was an inspiring post and keep up the good work:)
[...] one of my first posts I broke the news that I was a lawyer and during that time I was the skinniest version of myself that [...]