She Says: Meet (More of) Heather
I know you can’t believe I can possibly have more to say about myself after my stellar “Meet Heather” page and blog tag response answers, but I do. I also know Mark has yet to formally introduce himself or respond to his blog tag, but I bet he’ll get to it. If there’s anything I’ve learned about Mark over the past 8 years it’s that it’s better for all involved if he does things in his own time. He can be pushed, prodded and poked into action, but then he is angry, resentful and no fun at all. The good thing though, is that he’s worth it, so the patience pays off.
On to me. I am writing because I have something share. Oh god this is getting so dramatic. Let’s cut to it, right? Okay here it is. I was a lawyer. Anticlimactic? I’ll back up. About a year ago, I walked into the head partner at my law firm’s office and declared that I was leaving the firm, the practice of law entirely, to become a teacher. ”Heather,” he said, “I’ve never seen you so happy.” He was right. The thought of being released from corporate litigator prison was something I’d dreamt of since I first walked in the door, and now, it was here and I was ecstatic! On my last day of work another partner warned me, “People are not going to treat you the same when you become a teacher.” Hmmm. Yeah, that’s sort of the point. Please note, I have nothing against lawyers as group. The lawyers I worked with were interesting and smart people. My sister, Stinky Cheese, is a wonderful hardworking lawyer. It just wasn’t for me.
Packing my office was easy because you see, I think ahead. When co-workers or my adorable secretary urged me to put a personal touch to my beige office walls I told them, “If I do that then I have to stay,” they thought I was joking. Obviously, I was not. So, on my way out, I gave my candy bowl to my secretary and my dying plant to my second favorite IT professional (Mark being my first) and headed out the door. Let the happiness begin. Or so I thought.
What happened in the months to follow was a little shocking to me. Everyone, including myself, thought that once I left law I would be happy again. The old Heather would be back. Spoiler Alert: It’s not that simple. What I felt was complete and utter failure. From my first day of Kindergarten to my last law school final I never missed a beet. I always did more than what was expected of me and made everyone around me proud. From the outside, I had the perfect life. I had a fancy job as corporate litigator, an apartment on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, a big fat pay check and a stud for a boyfriend (that’s Mark, readers). I couldn’t hack it. Instead, I gave it all up and moved back home with my parents. Obviously, this is not the life I so carefully planned and worked hard to obtain. In my mind I failed.
I’ve realized, only in the last few months, that my “failure” was, as I originally thought, actually a good idea. Yes, I have loans. Yes, I think I am far too old to be living with my parents. Yes, I miss Mark and my life with him. Nothing is right and everything is wrong, but that’s cool because I’m getting there. As a recovering perfectionist and dweller, I struggle with accepting where I am now as just the way it is supposed to be. Now, I am satisfied with contentment and do not constantly search for perfection. There are other advantages, too. I no longer walk around in a haze so distracted by my stress and sadness that I am unable to feel anything. I get to see my family more. I am living a much more authentic life.
I am not writing this because I think it’s time to play Skeletons in the Closet, but rather, because this falls in the “food blog” genre, and my experience altered my body and body image for about two years. To explain exactly how miserable I was when I was a lawyer would be futile. I can tell you that it was more than “Ughhhh, I hate my job. Is it Friday yet?” kind of stuff. In fact, I was so stressed and miserable that my body physically rejected my fancy lawyer life. During the summer that I took the bar exam and throughout the time that I was a lawyer, I lost a significant amount of weight for my already small frame. My new “waif body”, natural and effortless to some, was not my my own. I am short and small, but more like a mini-hour glass than a straw. I didn’t lose weight intentionally and at first, I didn’t even notice. Eventually, I bought new, smaller, clothes and accepted this weight loss as a perk of stress. I’ve had medical issues because of it. It was not a perk.
Well, when lawyering was over and I came back to Rhode Island I started to naturally regain some of the weight I lost. I started to look more like my old self and most of my lawyer clothes no longer fit. I would like to say that I was confident and strong enough that this didn’t bother me at all, but I wasn’t and it did. My old familiar body seemed to take up too much space when I really wanted to go unnoticed. I felt failure again. I couldn’t be a lawyer or skinny. Failure.
Fortunately, after a few months of self-criticizing and micro-analyzing, I chose to get over it. I say “fortunately” because I know I could have done horrible things to my body to maintain the weight I lost. I, like most women, still have body issues. I think my boobs are too big and my legs are a bit stumpy, but at least now I don’t think I am less of a person because of it. I appreciate that my legs are able to run miles at a time!
I am happy that I was able to get back to a place where I can truly enjoy the experience of eating. I think they call that “intuitive eating,” something that was completely natural to me for the first 25 years of my life, and now, is again. I love food and do not always eat just because I’m hungry (side note: obvy, I love me a food blog, but there was a period where I harbored irrational contempt for those who blog and eat only when hungry). Sometimes I eat something just because I like to and I accept that! Other blogs reinforced what I knew: if I make balanced decisions and stay active, my body will naturally be where it is meant to be.
My experience gave me a new awareness of the complex issue of women’s body image. We are extremely critical of ourselves; more critical than we would ever be on a friend, sister or child version of ourselves. Body image and self esteem, however, are related to popular culture and women’s relationships with each other, and so, often threatened or scared, we turn on each other. Wouldn’t it be great to support one another instead? I think this is a fascinating and complex part of our culture that can and should be changed for the better. I have no idea if anyone reads our little blog, but I hope to be able to use it to discuss these issues in the future.
So, here I am. Maybe one day I will use my law degree to do something beneficial in education, but for now I am looking forward to student teaching in a couple of weeks and graduating in December. I am glad I’ve explained all of this because now I can share the funny and brilliant things the children I work with say each day. For example, just the other day a little boy told me he didn’t want anymore snack because his belly would hurt if he hate too much and he wouldn’t be able to play outside. Good point. Children are quite smart, you know.
Tags: Add new tag, body image
August 10th, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Thanks for posting the article, was certainly a great read!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:34 am
i cannot express how glad i am to have read this entry of yours. without sounding cliche and cheesy, it’s inspirational. it is so obvious from the way you write, that you are incredibly intelligent and i am pretty sure you will make anything come true that you want. ok now it really is getting soggy….no other way to put it though!! i’m sure i will be reading this post again and again.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Hi Heather
Thanks for the post, it must have taken you guts to open up like that. It’s been a great journey for you. I believe we’ll always be looking for that totally completely happy life, but as long as our lives are filled with very happy moments every now and then, with our very special loved ones, the not so bright times won’t even count!
Believe it or not, I woke this morning, imagining and almost saying it out loud… that I had decided to leave my job to teach English in school in Brazil! : ) If only I had the gift… it’s just not me. I suppose we’re at a stage in our lives, all we want is peace of mind and a less stressful life… quality of life! Or maybe… we’re just a little broody! : )
Have a great week! And please do keep telling us the funny things kids say. : )
August 11th, 2008 at 7:00 am
What a great post- your are courageous for sharing these intimate details about your life. I applaud you on making the decisions you feel were right for your life
August 11th, 2008 at 8:26 am
Awesome post! Speaks volumes to me, especially since I have been harping on the fact that I ate a bowl of cereal when I wasn’t hungry last night.
August 11th, 2008 at 8:46 am
you rock! i loved this story, it was so powerful.
thanks for the breakfast post shout out as well!
enjoy your monday!
August 11th, 2008 at 9:04 am
thanks for sharing with us. it must have been hard to make that step- many people go through their whole lives without really listening to themselves. good for you.
August 11th, 2008 at 9:15 am
What an amazing story! I think so often, especially as women, we get pulled onto a sort of track that many don’t feel they can jump off. I think it is truly amazing that you were able to listen to your body and self and realize that this was not the path you were meant to go down. I have often thought about getting out of Corporate America to get a teaching degree. Children will teach you a lot about life, and I think at the end of the day we all have to ask ourselves, “What is most important to me?” Great post. Make it a great week!
August 11th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Hi Heather – thanks for opening up like this on your blog. I don’t want to write the same things as others above, but like mi, I found this to be very inspirational. I am one of those people who won’t quit anything, and it’s often taken a tool on my happiness + well being. It’s very powerful to see a woman like you take control of her own life – despite what it may take to do so. I really commend you for letting your heart guide your life. So many people get stuck in their lives/routines and aren’t open to change because it’s too scary (financially, emotionally, physically). You are doing the right thing, girl. And you are going to be really happy you made this choice!
August 11th, 2008 at 10:02 am
Thanks so much for sharing this Heather!! It somewhat reminds me of what I started going through earlier in the year with the stress of hating my job, my body, and feeling like a failure – so I definitely can relate. It is so good to know how much happier and comfortable you are with your decisions.
August 11th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Wow, what a talented writer you are, Heather. Thank you so much for letting your readers see this side of your story. I think it can be all too easy for me to stay in a position that makes me miserable because of how much I fear change and the possibility that change will lead to hardship and, as you so eloquently put it, failure. I know that personally, I have gotten inspiration from your ability to say “no” to being unhappy, and hope that the next time I am placed in a similar situation, I’ll be able to remember how you handled yourself and draw my strength from that. I’m not trying to be cheesy – I’m totally serious. So thank you.
August 11th, 2008 at 11:34 am
That was a great post. I enjoyed reading your story! I was also a teacher, but now I’m back in school getting a masters so I can be a librarian. I know what it’s like to want a change!
To answer you question for me, I found that cereal (Quaker Crunchy Corn Bran) at Harris Teeter. I looked on the Quaker website to see where else it is available, but they don’t even have it listed on the site! If you like Barbara’s cereals, though, it is very similar to Puffins.
August 11th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Fabulous post!!!
August 11th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Heather, this is great! I love your willingness to self-disclose. I’m fascinated by you and your story. It’s clear that you have a rich appreciation for your SELF. I respect your choices and your insight into what makes for a full life. I’m so glad you shared this. I hope more people open up as a result. I love reading about people’s eats, and it’d be great to know a little more about the person who’s writing.
You’re special to me!
Question. Do you and Mark care if I use the word hangry? Because it’s so endearing.
August 11th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
I like Heather, ABC a lot better than Heather, ESQ.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
Congratulations on having the bravery to make such a difficult life change. Thanks for sharing, it’s awesome to know more of your story!
August 11th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
That’s a great post, and I identified quite a bit with it. More like, I spent my whole life trying to get into law school, and once I got accepted I realized I didn’t want to go, but there had been no back-up plan. Thanks for posting.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Thank you so much for this post. I admire your candor as well as your self discipline to rise above “perfection.” Kudos to you and keep it up!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Thanks to everyone who read and appreciated my story.
Everyone is welcome to use “hangry.” Mark and I hope it sweeps the nation.
For more info on hangry go here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hangry
August 11th, 2008 at 9:20 pm
[...] Original post by Hangry Pants [...]
August 11th, 2008 at 10:47 pm
[...] way – love that blog world mind connection we’ve got going on) considering that Heather at Hangry Pants, MizFit and Kelly from Grounded Fitness have all posted their own thoughts on the [...]
August 11th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Heather-
A of all… I, too, tend to harbor contempt for those bloggers who can listen to their bodies and only eat what they need to (totally silly, I know).
B of all… I am 25 and have NO idea what I’m going to do with my life… I commend you for following your heart and dreams.
C of all… and most importantly… thank you for sharing your story. I know it took a lot to write that and basically YOU GO GIRL.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Thank you so much for putting your perspective out there! I really admire your choice to be happy as you are and realize that perfection still won’t make us happy. I’m sure being a lawyer was really stressful in itself…I did some college mock trial competitions a few months ago and quickly realized I could not/did not want to hack it as a lawyer!
August 12th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Your honesty is so commendable. I relate to several things you said! Keep up the good work and positive attitude!
August 13th, 2008 at 9:28 am
I posted this under the comment you gave me last night as well…wasn’t sure where you would see it!
Heather,
No worries, I don’t find it strange at all. It took me a long time before I started to comment on blogs but was always reading them!
PS-I check out your blog everyday, I just don’t always have time to comment! I really like it.
August 22nd, 2008 at 10:34 am
You’re the top, Miss Heather.
August 22nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Thank you Julz. I’m glad you’ve fond my blog.
September 2nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Hi Heather! Thank you for sharing!
I’m going to be a Middle School teacher soon. I student teach and graduate in the Spring. I absolutely love it!
We need more talented people like you in our schools. We need teachers who are role models of good health.
November 3rd, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Wow Heather, you are quite the writer! I really enjoyed reading your story, thank you so much for sharing all that about yourself. I respect your decision to follow your heart and do what makes you feel happy. It must have been a struggle to quite law and move home and all, but I really admire your choices. I agree with you 10000000% about women starting to support each other. And yes, children are surprisingly observant and witty and smart.
November 9th, 2008 at 1:43 am
OMYGOSH thank you for sharing this. before i got down here i thought it was a post from a long time ago but its actually fairly recent
so many things in this post stood out to me! i work at a foreclosure law firm right now (not an attorney) and am dreaming of the day i quit. that was SO AWESOME AND HUMBLE of you to give up what looked so good for something you really wanted.
November 9th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Julia: Thanks. Yes, women need to be nicer to each other. Everyone is so nice in blog land.
Madison: Thanks!
November 25th, 2008 at 7:45 am
[...] program, I was just not very good at being happy or appreciating my life. I’ve talked before about my feelings of utter and complete failure and how I worked and worked and worked to move on. [...]
December 29th, 2008 at 1:12 am
[...] get my Master’s Degree in Elementary Education. You can read more about the whole process in this post. The whole journey has been hard, fun, messy, uplifting, depressing and enjoyable. I am happier now, [...]
January 9th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Thank you so much for sharing this! I had not read this before, but reading it gave me shivers. I can really relate to your story. You have such an expressive writing talent! Do you mind if I post this link on tonight’s post? I think many of my readers could benefit from reading it. Awesome accomplishments. You are a fighter!
Angela
http://www.ohsheglows.com
March 19th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
[...] If you want some background on my decision to leave the law and how it affected me, check out this [...]
March 22nd, 2009 at 10:46 am
Thanks for writing this post. As a 1L who came to Law School straight from undergrad, I can totally relate. I am just feeling a bit discouraged and confused about this whole situation. I know I want to be a lawyer, but I’m not sure I can do what it takes to get there. But I am confident with my ability to assess things as they progress and determine what’s best for me. Thanks for sharing your experience!
April 23rd, 2009 at 10:34 pm
[...] looked back. If you’re interested in reading more about that part of my life, check out this [...]
April 24th, 2009 at 8:49 am
[...] [...]
May 4th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Heather,
Amazing story! Are you and Mark still together? You belong together. How did the student teaching go? I feel like I am one of your pupils. Negros Frijoles.
May 27th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
[...] simplify a complicated story, eventually I gradually gained some of the weight back and eventually returned to my old. It was at [...]
May 27th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Hi Heather,
been reading your blog for sometime but never really read this till your post today which led me to this. Thank you for sharing coz i was exactlt what i went through 5 years ago before i finally quit my teaching job, but now it seems like i’m back in the same rut though not as bad YET! but your post has been really inspiring, reminding me of what i should and ought not to do.
Thank you again.
July 7th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Wow Heather, that was an awesome post! Very inspirational.
July 22nd, 2009 at 9:07 am
i read this everytime I stop having the strength to quit.
August 18th, 2009 at 11:48 am
Hi Heather! I’m new to your blog and got here via Kath. I really appreciated reading your story, and even though I don’t know you, felt proud for you that you got through this and are following your dreams! I am working towards becoming a teacher and work in a school right now as an assistant– I love it! Yay for teaching = ). I’m looking forward to following your blog
January 15th, 2010 at 11:39 am
[...] want to know more about me (and/or Mark) than what is in the Meet Hangry Pants, Meet Heather, and Meet More of Heather sections. Ask anything, but ask carefully, I will probably ask YOU to answer some questions [...]
January 26th, 2010 at 11:51 am
[...] She Says: Meet More of Heather [...]
March 8th, 2010 at 12:34 am
Heather, thank you for writing this article. You have put into words what I have been feeling for the last 12 months of my life. I have been slightly adrift since graduating from college and deciding that a teaching career was not the right decision for me. I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that I will most likely have to move back in with the parentals because finding a job as someone with a BA in Spanish is not easy, especially with the nation in the financial state it’s in at the moment. Things change and they’re not always easy to accept, but choosing a path that you know is going to make you happier in the grand scheme of things is brave and no one should count that as a failure on your part. Good luck with your teaching and happy eating
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March 9th, 2010 at 8:55 pm
[...] I’ve mentioned I have this hang up about failing and “the old me,” but I know intellectually that both feelings are [...]