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She Says: Being Healthy Through a Frown
Picture it: Our living room, last night during the Yankees game. Me laying on the couch with my computer on my lap, wining. Mark, sitting on a chair trying to figure out what sport he is watching.
“I don’t want to write on the blog anymore. I have nothing to say and I am a hypocrite.”
“Okay.”
If you had to guess, you would probably say that this was Mark trying to quit Hangry Pants, but you would be wrong. It was me. Mark went on to say, “If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. But, if you want to be a good blogger you could be honest and share what’s going on in your life right now. People would probably appreciate it.”
I decided he was right. He loves that. I was hesitant because I am not sure I can articulate my experience without sounding self-absorbed or like a baby, but I’ll risk it. I don’t really want to quit writing, I just am going through a serious blogging identity crisis. So, instead of quitting, I will try my best to share.
You might remember that sometime in July I identified that I’d gained a few pounds. Nothing big really, and by the time I started school all my fall clothes fit fine. I will say that I definitely have gained a few pounds since I moved to NJ last January. I guess not having a scale is better for the mind, but not always for the body. I honestly didn’t mind because my clothes still fit and I was really active, healthy and happy here.
You might also remember that before I started working I had no health insurance. Sigh. I have it now and until January, so I’ve been trying to load up on appointments to try to fix a particularly troublesome, but not life threatening problem I’ve had for quite some time. It’s really an annoying situation that kind of has negative mental affects as well because it started while I was a miserable lawyer and I attribute the problem to that whole stressful time in my life. It’s a reminder of how unhappy I was and I hate it. Therefore, I am really dedicated to fixing it. Unfortunately, doctors always tell me the same thing, a thing which makes absolutely no logical sense to me.
For the second time I tried the first round of “let’s see if this works” treatment. I did it once before several years ago and the results were disconcerting. It worked temporarily until I could no longer pay for the medicine without insurance. But it also had terrible side effects. I was very emotional and puffed up like a balloon. In fact, the last time I tried fixing this, the medicine put me over the mental edge and I finally decided I’d had enough of work. I guess it was “Pill Courage” that made me walk in my boss’s office one day and quit my job three years ago.
I was prepared for both of these things again, but it doesn’t seem to make it better. I’ve only just started and already I feel different. First, I cry at random times. I am a much happier person than I was the last time I took these medicines, so I thought maybe my better mindset would ward off some of the abundance of emotion. Not so much. Second, I have once again blown up like a balloon. Sigh. I feel like a hypocrite because I am supposed to be promoting self-love and a healthy life, but right now I am so negative about everything and I do not feel healthy in the least. As I explained, I’d already gained a little weight and now this on top of it … literally I have three pairs of pants to wear to work, everything is tight – from pajamas, to winter coats. And button down shirts? Forget it. A pair of pants I bought earlier this month do not fit, and I don’t mean just a little snug. I attribute most of this to the medicine (but I know I’d gained a little weight prior to this anyway), which as of right now, has not even worked yet. I have another doctor’s appointment today, and I fear that I will get something stronger in dosage and side effects. 
The worst part is that I do not believe in the treatment, but it’s all I can do right now anyway.
It’s easy to feel happy and healthy when everything is normal. It’s easy to say, “Love yourself. You are beautiful,” when you are a thin, happy, healthy person. It’s much harder when something like this happens. In a way, I feel like a silly baby. I should be happy that my problem is not something that could make me seriously sick. I should be happy that I currently have insurance. I know I should be, but it’s really really frustrating. I’m angry that I have this stupid problem in the first place, and I’m upset that every time I try to wear my clothes I have to take them off and try again. When I look in the mirror, I do not see my own body and I do not feel like myself either. This makes me sad and scared. I do not know how bad the side effects will get, and I do not know if I will ever be “fixed.”
I do not mean to complain. I just thought it would be better to explain why I’ve been such a low key blogger lately. I really don’t have that much to share about my “healthy lifestyle” at the moment. I am angry about the situation, which means I haven’t been enjoying cooking or eating. I would feel awful pretending that everything is same old, same old over here.
I’m so sorry for everything your going through Heather. There are those times in life where everything just feels off and uncontrollable. But the blogging community is such an encouraging and supportive space, and I’m glad you were honest about how you’ve been feeling. We’re all here, no matter what you’re going through. There is no such thing as the perfect blogger, person, anything. I really hope things turn around for you soon!
awww, heather! i’m sorry you’re having a tough time, and i totally feel your blogging identity crisis pain. it’s hard to promote the healthy outlook you want to promote when you’re feeling discouraged and unhappy, and you shouldn’t have to! part of being ok with yourself is being ok with highs AND lows, and you shouldn’t have to feel guilty for not feeling totally at peace with yourself all the time. you’re doing great, you’ll get through this, and we’re all here cheering you on until you figure out a solution!
Heather,
Thanks for sharing this. Like so many bloggers and readers, I appreciate you for your honesty. We’re all human and things happen. I am specifically attracted to blogs that make it a point to talk about a healthy living style as a work in progress, rather than a perfectionist approach to it. I think it’s okay to feel down and it doesn’t make you seem like a baby at all. I think it’s okay to take time off from the blog and whatever else when you need it. I hope you feel better soon and thank you for sharing once again.
Heather,
Sometimes medications have aweful side effects. If you don’t believe in the treatment and aren’t seeing good progress you should voice this to your doctor while you have insurance. It is important to be heard when it comes to your health.
As for being real on the blog, I APPRECIATE IT! I do enjoy seeing that “healthy living” bloggers are normal people with ups and downs and fears and worries. It shows that even the healthiest of people aren’t perfect and THAT’S GREAT!
I hope you feel better emotionally and physically soon enough.
As always, we appreciate and cherish your honesty, Heather. You are always someone we can count on to be real and you should never feel like a hypocrite.
*takes deep breathe*
You probably can imagine based on conversations we’ve had offline that my stress in certain areas of life right now has led to similar body issues and frustrations. I don’t know exactly what you are going through medically – although given my shared opinion with you on undergoing such medical treatments, I can empathize that it must be maddening – but I do want you to know that I understand where your anger and lack of motivation to discuss anything “healthy” when you’re feeling this way comes from. Believe me, I’ve been there and, to a certain extent, I am there now.
Please know that you can reach out to me for ANYTHING. I’ve enjoyed our conversations and am thinking of you often. I wish you nothing but a speedy recovery from whatever this is and think the world of you. Pleae remember that!
Oh Heather. While I cannot relate to the part about being sick (so sorry), I can definitely relate to tight pants. That alone is enough to really affect my mood, so I can only imagine what you are going through with the added stress of your health.
You are not a hyocrite. Part of loving yourself and being healthy is FEELING the love and FEELING healthy. If you are not feeling that right now, than no one is expecting you to pretend otherwise and you should not feel the least bit guilty for expressing those feelings. The main reason why I love your blog is because you are 100% genuine and real. Yes, you feature some tasty food and inspiring mileage, but really, I just like to hear from YOU. I know others feel the same way. It has nothing to do with what you eat or how your pants fit. I just like reading your writing and hearing about your life.
I hope whatever it is you are going through (physically) can be helped by those darn pills. I hope you can go off them soon and FEEL like your normal, fabulous self again. We know you are, but you have to feel it, too.
XOX
Heather, I am so, so sorry you’re going through all of this. Do NOT feel like a hypocrite. You are not a hypocrite at all. It’s hard to be cheery, positive, self-loving, etc. 24/7 especially when you are going through a hard time. It’s okay to have emotions no matter what they are. That’s human. I pray that you find some relief soon. You will be back to your usual self soon! In the meantime, try your hardest to keep pushing on through all of this. We all are here for you!!
Oh gosh, I’m sorry to read this
What a horrible feeling to have. Thanks for being honest with us – you know we all support you no matter what. Try to remember that it’s not really YOU feeling this way, more the pills, you know? It will get better 
No one is perfect and no one is happy and upbeat all the time. It’s just not how it goes! And we get that 
(hug)
Oh Heather your honesty and transparency speaks volumes of your character. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and just do the best you can … days when you don’t want to post, don’t … if you want to share your struggles, share them. This is your blog!! XOXO
Heather, I can’t even begin to be as eloquent as everyone before me, but I am here for you and understand and empathize with every sentence you wrote. Lots of hugs to you.
The doctor part of me wants to help, to talk to you about the condition and the treatment and help you either find a way to feel comfortable about the treatment or seek alternatives. I hope you are able to do this with your own physicians. The blog reader part of me wants to thank you for your honesty and hope you take strength in the dozens of comments saying the same.
First, I have to say you totally made the right decision in sharing this!! People often forget that bloggers aren’t these fit, healthy, happy-go-lucky people all the time. We get cranky, we complain, we gain weight, and we can be negative sometimes. Also, I want to say that you should not devalue what you’re going through. Sure, there are a lot of people out there in worse situations, but don’t brush your feelings off as not being legitimate. No matter what caused your feelings, they are no less real than what anyone else is going through!
I hope the doctor visit went okay. You’ll get through this. Life is long, and this is nothing but a speed bump along the way…
I’m sorry you’re going through this, and it’s ok to vent and you don’t have to pretend like everything’s ok. Thanks for being honest, and hopefully something will work and you can get back to being happy, healthy, and hangry! Gotta love battle scars…sigh.
Lately, it seems like all the bloggers have awesome news and there lives are turning into everything they dreamed of… While I think that’s fabulous, all I can think is sure it’s easy to smile and go out for a run when things are great… Things here in Rebeca-land aren’t that great, and doing those things are not so easy.
Thank you for being so courageous and sharing with us… It’s so easy to present a front to the world through the veil of the internet but you’re so honest and I really appreciate that!
I hope that you can quickly resolve your health issues and get back to enjoying your NJ life, but until then, I’m rooting for you!
PS. I already posted earlier, but wanted to add something- I was already in a bummed out mood today for my own reasons and actually ended up posting on my blog about it… Just thought I would let you know in case you wanted to read about someone else trying to stay positive despite dealing with challenging situations, etc. (and please don’t think I’m trying to equate our situations or anything like that, esp considering I don’t really know any details about you, but I just thought you might enjoy taking a peek). Have a good night!
http://joelygolightly.wordpress.com/2009/10/26/im-okay-youre-okay/
Heather, first, I think it’s so brave and awesome of you to be honest on your blog and not give up. I’m glad you shared.
You know that all of us have our rough times, and I will honestly say that it’s only when I talk and hear about other people do I realize that I’m not alone. You are not alone. This is a trying time in your life for sure…I’ve definitely been trying to figure out my medicine plan lately and it’s been interrupting my sleeping patterns. UGH.
Please don’t ever hesistate to type out and share your thoughts, we are a supportive community first and foremost! I hope you feel better today
I love your honesty, and I am sorry you are going through such a tough time. I think that it makes your blog more you, and if you are willing and able to share whats going on, people will most definitely want to read it. Its easy to write about the good times, and often when I am reading blogs I am like, woah, perfect lives they have! It adds to an already great community for you to share health issues or job stress. Best wishes to you!
dearest heather, it’s your honesty that i appreciate and read for. mark is so great for telling you to share how you feel now. you arent a hypocrite. you are a human. and you are certainly allowed to go through ups and downs. dont we all? i hope. its hard (if not impossible) to be cheery all the time, and i love that rather than put on a false front and sugar coat your life, you are open about the struggles you face. im sending you a virtual hug, and i hope that everything works out, with your health and the medicine issue you are dealing with. all my best.
This post was amazing, not because it was upbeat, inspiring, encouraging, etc., but because it was honest and real. What I appreciate about you as a blogger is that you seem so down-to-earth and easy to relate to. I know you’re going through a trying time right now, and there’s no need to sugarcoat it for your readers. We’re all pulling for you and wishing you the very best. Stay strong.
Thank you for being real. Honest and vulnerable. I mean really, no one ever has their act together. And there are hard times and easier times in life. This is a harder one for you. You are not a hypocrite, you are a real person. I hope that sharing on your blog will encourage you. All the best with medical struggles. I do hope the dotors will come to a conclusion. Until then, have hope and take the baby steps you can in your life to work towards health.
Heather, you’re honestly in this post is inspiring! You are a great blogger and we’re all here supporting you through anything. We all do struggle. I hope everything is okay! <3
I admire your honesty and love you forever. It sounds like this is part of your experience as a healthy woman – doing what you can to practice self-care in a really frustrating, uncomfortable situation. I loved you and admired you for your independent mind, humility, and overall adorableness before, but now you’re over the top my role model Heather.
I totally know what you mean about having an identity crisis. I had one about two weeks ago. I felt like i couldn’t ‘compete’ against the big names in the blogging world so ‘what did I have to offer?’ kept running through my head. Anyways, I just sat there and said ‘I have to be me’. People read you becuase you’re you. They read you because you are honest. Do you know how many people will read your blog post that you’ve written and say ‘Man, that’s me or Man I’ve been there or Man, I hope that she’s ok’. That’s the beauty of blogging. It’s a support network outside of recipes, and daily updates about your life. Just enjoy the fact that you’re being honest. I know what it’s like to go through health issues as well. I had the same thing happen to me from Jan 09-Aug 09..with about a 30lbs gain. It’s been emotionally exhausting and soul defeating to have to deal with health issues as well as dealing with the weight gain. I guess the only thing that has helped me is that it will pass. You aren’t ugly/unattractive/undesirable to people–it’s mainly something that I battled in my own head. I hope that you are able to find a sliver of light, find ways to get moving and remember you don’t have to be perfect. Thank you for sharing…look how many people you’ve touched. ~M
Heather, there is such power in honesty. I appreciate your it and admire you for sharing your life with me and everyone else. Reality is perception, focus on your strong moments and I do mean – moments. Build from there, challenging as hell but we all have faith in you. Continue to be honest, the integrity of your blog is appreciated.
Heather, I had to delurk for this one – you are amazing. You are honest. You are real. You don’t sugar-coat things.
One thing you wrote reminds me of something that I find myself saying (to myself, mostly) constantly: “It’s easy to say, ‘Love yourself. You are beautiful,’ when you are a thin, happy, healthy person.”
Please, please, pretty-please do not stop blogging. You will get through this. I am the 74th comment and girl, with at least seventy-four (and counting) people on your side (Plus Mark – we’re at 75 – booya!) you can get through this.
You inspire me. Thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing – it can be really hard! While I’m not sure what you’re going through, I’m currently on almost a dozen meds, multiple weekly dr. appts and have put on >40 lbs in the past year, and it is a total downer when you feel like you’re doing everything right and things with your bod are horribly wrong. Kudos for putting it out there – I’ve found that it really helps! Your blog has been such an inspiration, and hopefully it can serve as an outlet versus and added form of stress. I really value your posts, but right now whatever you think is best for yourself if obviously the way to go. Keep on being amazing, and loving the bod, even if it doesn’t always cooperate – My favorite mantra is “The best I can do right now IS good enough!”
You are not a hypocrite, nor are you a bad blogger. You are a real person who strives to be healthy and to make the best choices available to you. I think you are succeeding in those goals. It sounds like you have a problem and you are taking what steps you can to solve that problem, even though those steps are causing you discomfort/stress/angst. In other words, you are literally and figuratively taking your medicine.
I find you, and all of the other bloggers who are kind and caring enough to be honest with us readers, truly inspirational. Someone who pretended to be perfect would just be discouraging, and I don’t think such a blogger would really teach her readers very much. We all have our hurdles. Some of you are kind and brave enough to share your struggles with the rest of us so that we can learn from them. Thank you for doing that.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate lately. I hope that things start going your way soon.
Cheers.
Marie
Heather, please don’t feel like you are being a bad blogger or a hypocrite!! I’m so sorry for the medical issues you are dealing with now, but it does not devalue you as a person.
As someone who is currently dealing with “size” issues of my own (I think I mentioned on here before that I had to also buy new pants for the beginning of this school year because the ones from last June didn’t fit anymore!) it’s challenging and easy to get down on ourselves, but though it’s hard, I think it’s important to try to focus on the positives.
While I understand while you are coming from, you have to realize that you are still a VERY healthy person, far, far more than the average person. Weight gain sucks for whatever reason, but it’s better to have gained a few pounds and to be a healthy person on the inside for eating good nutritious food and exercising, which you do, then to be some skinny girl who eats like crap, drinks all the time and doesn’t work out, but fits into her pants.
I’ll stop rambling now, but please don’t feel bad about this and thank you for your honesty. You are strong and will get through this! We are all here for you girl!
You are absolutely not a bad blogger for feeling a little lost right now. That just makes you human!! You will get through the treatment you’re trying and I hope and pray it works this time. You and Mark are both in my thoughts and I can promise you I will still keep checking up on HangryPants, hoping to hear your found your light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, hang in there!!! xoxo
Thank you so much for being honest and sharing your feelings like this. I think that matters so much more than being super upbeat or loving yourself ALL the time. It’s normal to feel the emotions your feeling especially when dealing with some sort of medical situation. We also have to remember that we ALL go up and down on the scale (or in our jeans) and rethinking your eating choices helps to get us back on track. It must be frustrating though if the medication is the major cause. I am glad to hear that your going to keep blogging because I think that this community could be just what you need to help stay positive
Good luck!
I hope you feel better Heather
. I love reading your blog, I too was a miserable lawyer and gave it up, so I really identify with you. xx
((HUGS)) Heather! I just thought I would send out some virtual hugs. I love reading what you write and I agree, you need to write how you feel. Hang in there and keep your chin up.
Look at all the love & support you have here.
Have a good blood work up, thyroid,etc. You are such a wonderful young women. I really enjoy reading your blog and trying some of your recipes. Some of the weight gain could be from your running. There a lots of reasons – just remain healthy – in body, mind and spirit. Take it from a 60 something – there are and will be lots of ups and downs on the scale.
Everyone goes through that. Just know that you don’t HAVE to write about food. Write about your day. Write about a random topic. Write about anything. It’s just your outlet to the world. I went through that, too, and I stopped blogging for a while and I missed it so much. We’ll be here no matter what you’re writing about. Even if you just post one word blogs… lol
Hi Heather,
First of all I really hope you feel better with respect to whatever is concerning you healthwise. Secondly, I’m only a blog reader and not a blogger and to be honest (like you have been in your post), I get really down sometimes reading these happy, healthy, beautiful blogs because lets face it, none of us feel the exact same way everyday. None of us remain the exact same size everyday. Some days I read blogs and think “dont these girls have any problems” and despite myself I have in the past felt envious of everyone’s portrayal of their extremely satisfied happy lives. Some days I feel too thin, others I feel bloated and fat and probably look it too. Some I’m happy and others not so much. My diet changed alot when I started reading health blogs and I found I actually GAINED weight. I’m starting to now go back to eating healthy and more like myself and not like the pictures on the blogs.
Yours was the first “health” blog I started reading and the reason I come back to your blog everyday is because its NOT fake, because you dont make your readers feel like youre living a fantasy life they cannot lead and because its more humanly than most blogs out there. Thank you for your post and for your blog.
Heather – thank you for sharing this, as tough as it was. I don’t know what’s going on, but I really wish you the best and pray for strength for you to get through it. It’s hard to try and always be a positive and healthy blogger 24/7, especially if you’re going through things. I too, have gained a good amount of weight recently, and negative thoughts keep entering my mind, and I know I want to lose this weight. However, I’ve found it hard to talk about on the blog because I try and promote the “you’re beautiful” concept and, just feeling good about yourself in general. Don’t ever feel afraid to really talk about your feelings on the blog. Talking and writing about our feelings and thoughts is what blogging is all about. So go for it! Prayers and thoughts are with you to get through!
[...] my beloved chickpea spread. Where’s the hummus love? I’m not quite going through an identity crisis…yet…but I do need to work on some re-stocking. Sabra? Are you [...]
Sending good vibes your way!! It sounds like you’re going through a frustrating time, but hang in there! You’re good enough! Smart enough! And gosh darn it, people like you!
Do what’s best for you and know that when you’re up to it, you have loyal readers waiting.
[...] want to say another thank you for the continued comments and emails on me “Being Healthy Through a Frown" Post. The positive responses have taken many forms. Some thanked me for my honesty, applauded for [...]
I really appreciate your honesty. I have had similar issues with medications, though that was years ago. Being a “health blogger” doesn’t make you immune to real feelings, emotions and frustrations. That’s important for readers to see.
Sorry to hear you’re going through rough times Heather
Hugs from NC
Sorry you’ve been struggling lately. I’ve been going through some stuff recently too, and I often have a lot of time being a perky and happy blogger. But Mark’s right: if you ARE a good blogger, people will love you for being “real” and trusting them enough to open up.
Heather, hang in there. No one should expect you to be happy and up beat all the time – we’re all human, and we all go through slumps. Putting on a facade for your blog isn’t worth the stress. I’m sorry that you have to go through whatever medical treatments you do – I know it can be frustrating to try and find the right solution (if there is one) to whatever problem it is that ails you. The body is so complex, and everyone reacts differently. Remember that is is temporary, and hopefully you and your doctors can figure it out.
Do we not love Mama Pea?! Goodness, what she wrote is spot on and I second everything! And I’m glad you wrote this because I appreciate bloggers who are up front, honest, and keep it real. Not everything is rainbows and sparkles! Life just is not that way and I thank you for being open about that.
I’m sorry you are going through all of this because you’re right it does suck. Are you able to look into alternative medicine at all?
hi there – I know I don’t comment very often at all, But i read your blog all the time. I’m sure you would have shared this info if you wanted to, but is there any chance that the medication you are taking about is predisone or steroids? I only ask because I have to take that and it makes me puff up like a blowfish – its absolutely crazy, I know exactly how you feel. No matter how many times people tell me to just love myself becasue I am beautiful no matter what – it won’t sink in because I can’t get over how gross I feel, and thats what its all about anyhow… I really appreciate you sharing this because it seems like so many bloggers don’t share enough about weight maintenance struggles and always post how much junk food they eat, it can be realllly discouraging. best of luck – and please don’t quit blogging!
[...] Heather, I’ve sort of been having a blogging identity [...]
i read your blog, but have never really commented much before – however, i think it is incredibly brave and incredibly helpful to share what you just did. your honesty is refreshing, and YES – it is easy to be happy when life is good, your weight is under control and things are normal. hang in there ms. heather – you will get there again
[...] and health around here. I am still experiencing bloating side effects from my medicine, which I spoke about a couple months ago. I’ve made two appointments after Christmas with two different doctors to [...]
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, and I can strongly relate at the moment. Without going into specifics, is it a stomach problem that you’re suffering from? I’ve been seeing doctors and undergoing tests for a year now and the first thing they wanted (and may still be what they push as the only solution) is to go on a type of antidepressant that *might*, as a side effect, lessen the pain, but also causes a whole bunch of other, less desirable side effects like weight gain. It’s the aspect of gaining weight *out of my control* that bothers me so much, particularly when I’m very, very against this particular medication in general.
Hang in there. I hope it’s only temporary.
[...] Being Healthy Through a Frown [...]