The Corn Coalition is trying to tell me that High Fructose Corn Syrup is just as good as sugar now? I’m just amazed that they didn’t put better production value into these commercials that were made to specifically refute the merits of High Fructose Corn Syrup Awareness Month as contacted by the mad food scientists at HangryPants. Man, the timing is creepy.

It’s Made From Corn! It’s Got To Be Good For You!

Head’s up to the smug producers of this one. I can help you out – I know smug. It’s what I do all day. Don’t put the character who represents the viewpoint you oppose in a position where they seem stupid because they are unprepared with their version of the facts. This just makes the viewer empowered to rally to the defense of the helpless viewpoint in an attempt to discern for themselves what version of the facts is indeed the correct one. Also, the people who represent King Corn are assholes. Don’t put assholes in your commercials. People don’t like assholes as friends, especially know-it-all assholes.

Why Do I Suspect HFCS Is Bad For Me?

I’ve had a 16 oz. Pepsi followed by a Karate Pop between 2 pieces of Cinnamon Raisin bread before and my blood pressure felt like it was through the roof 2 hours later. Was it the HFCS? Was it just regular sugar? Was it the fizzy little bubbles from the Pepsi sticking to the sides of the raisins in my belly creating a violent volcanic reaction like a Menthos in Diet Mountain Dew? I don’t know!

HangryPantaloons, I suspect, based on circumstantial evidence that it is the HFCS. I leave it up to free-thinking people like yourselves and those you associate with and influence by proxy to decide. I certainly don’t trust the melodramatic, probably underpaid actress soccer mom generously pouring curiously thick water for her kids and masquerading it as fresh juice.