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Feelings: Fear

On Tuesday night one of my yoga teachers spoke of feelings, as she often does. I always listen earnestly because she has a way of explaining things, so I must think, even if I don’t want to. But with feelings, I don’t know; I just never really got into it.

Chef Sebastian Cole
Chef Sebastian Cole
Jul 19, 201168 Shares34.1K Views
Feelings: Fear

My sister has this magnet. She uses it, too. I always found this funny and wondered who needed to track their feelings on a daily basis, but now I kind of want one.

On Tuesday night one of my yoga teachers spoke of feelings, as she often does. I always listen earnestly because she has a way of explaining things, so I must think, even if I don’t want to. But with feelings, I don’t know; I just never really got into it. I never thought I had a problem with feelings. Mark would definitely say I am not a feeling phobe. I am, at the very least, horrible at feigning feelings.

She went on to talk about the fleeting nature of feelings. All feelings, the good and bad, are temporary. I’d assume most people are like me; we try to stretch out the good feelings and minimize or avoid the bad and uncomfortable feelings. I think of how happy I was last year when Mark and I got engaged.

For over a month, I wondered if I would ever be sad again. But then, of course, Mark and I fought again. I got stressed out about not having a job. All the feelings began to weave themselves in and out of my life again. Feelings are meant to come in and out.

When we made our way into pigeon pose, feelings came in.

I began to wonder just how good at having feelings I really am. I am extremely sensitive and often think my feelings are more intense than the average person, but do I actually feel all my feelings or do I just notice them and run? I’ve always known I am stubborn, but impulsive? Never. I do not act on feelings alone. This is what I thought. And then a single word echoed in my brain as if it was hollow.

FEAR. I could not get it out of my head. The more I tried to just focus on the pain in my hips, the louder it got.

FEAR. Go away.

FEAR. Oh fine. I’ll pay attention.

Right there in a dark room filled with 50 yoga friends, I felt it.

The most common questions I get via email refer to my career change. How did I know? Do I regret it? I always say I do not regret my decision to leave my job, and that’s 100% true, but with time comes perspective. Over the last few years, I’ve had time to learn a lot about myself. I’ve questioned what went wrong. Why did I quit a job I was convinced I wanted? Why did I walk away from a career I spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to train for? I was better than good at law school, so why, when I’ve never quit anything in my life, did I leave?

There is a way to spin it as a story of bravery and courage, but I’ve always been uncomfortable being the hero who gave up a job of power and money to become a poor teacher. The discomfort stemmed from the other part of the story tucked away for only me to stumble upon in this yoga studio. In this version my actions are not motivated entirely by altruism, but rather, there is big, bad fear.

As a young lawyer in a New York City law firm I was filled with fear. I feared not knowing what to do. I feared doing the wrong thing. I feared costing someone a lot of money. I feared letting people down. Yes, I worked a lot, but I love working hard if I love what I’m doing. I didn’t love it, I feared it. I just wanted to go.

When I quit, I did not think I could be a lawyer. On my last day, one of my co-workers who I worked closely with told me, “You could have been an excellent lawyer,” but for whatever reason (another feeling, for another day) I didn’t believe her. So no, I do not regret leaving, but I regret giving my fear of failing the power to cause me to leave, especially because now I know I could have done it. Perhaps if I knew then that all feelings, even the most intense fear, will eventually pass, it wouldn’t have been quite so unbearable.

I hope you can find something in what I learned. Maybe you are fearful of something. Let the fear pass. Maybe you truly dislike your job. It could be time to leave. I know I will try not to act out of fear anymore, and I am committed to my feelings. It will be uncomfortable, but there must be a pot at the end of the rainbow, right?

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